Sweaty Palms and Weak Knees…and High School Band Vocalists With Apparent Stage Fright

[Scene 17, Take 47]
Night has fallen on the Hills of Beverly, and West Beverly’s very own “The Glorious Steinems” are about to take the stage at what appears to be the Beverly Hills Beach Club for the most anticipated performance of the season. Lead vocalist Adrianna “Ade” Tate Duncan is having mixed emotions about taking the stage.

Adrianna: You guys, I just can’t take the stage tonight. By not coming to grips with my complicated and “scriptually-forced for ratings” lesbian feelings for Rumer Willis, I have realized that I now have stage fright.  The Glorious Steinems, the most iconic high school band to hold band practice in the cafeteria of West Beverly High, will have to go on without me.

Bass Player (who happens to be Navid’s new love interest, referred to from now on as BP): Wait…I thought you have been acting since you were like 2? You are just now realizing you have stage fright?

Ade: Well, I am more of a TV/Film/Commercial actress really…you know, in front of the camera and all. It’s different.

BP: But what about when you auditioned for the same play as Annie and she tried to steal your part because she is a “great actress” and you were battling your inner demons of substance abuse and whatnot? That was stage acting, wasn’t it?

Ade: Number 1 – were you even around for that episode? No. In fact, nobody was because last season was really really bad. In comparison, this season started off with so much promise, but has really started to screw the pooch since we came back from hiatus. But that is neither here nor there. Number 2 – how come nobody in this band can even fake playing their instruments with any level of skill?

BP: What does that have to do with your stage fright?

Ade: I really wish Navid was in this episode because he is really good at summarizing all the things that have happened to me over the course of the season…you know, the drug abuse, the pregnancy, giving my baby up for adoption, having a hallucinogenic dream where Brenda Walsh is involved in some sort of Kabuki theater performance with a dragon, growing out my bangs, leaving Navid for Teddy and even now, where I am having closeted feelings for Rumer Willis…

BP: So are we going on stage or not?

Ade: Well, yeah, I guess so…I mean, how else is Ivy’s mom going to offer me a record contract based on one show which I am sure will cause friction with the band?

Cut to Teddy and Dixon at the Beach Club bar grabbing drinks

Dixon (to bartender): Thanks for the drink [Note: It is assumed to be the 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper]. Put it on my friend Teddy’s tab…

Teddy: Wait, what? Why can’t you pay for your own drink, Dixon?

Dixon: Because I am not a member of the club.

Teddy: Oh yeah, right…I forgot. Remember on the original Beverly Hills 90210, when you had to be a paying member of the prestigious Beverly Hills Beach Club to use its facilities? Those were the days.

Dixon: No, I don’t remember that…we didn’t have a TV. My birth mom just used to make us eat a lot of tacos and then she taught us the magic of betting on pro sports instead of reading us bedtime stories.

Teddy: Oh, that’s kinda sad. At one point the old gang snuck into the Beach Club after hours for a high-stakes, late-night poker game, and then someone robbed the club, and they blamed it on Dylan. But then they soon learned a valuable lesson about being quick to judge people without getting all the facts. Hey, whatever happened to Silver’s blog? You remember how that used to be her thing? Writing scathing editorials about people on her blog…

Dixon: Teddy, you sure do like to try and remember a lot of stuff. It’s really best to live one episode at a time.

Teddy: Maybe you are right…but, do you remember when your mom’s yoga instructor asked if she wanted a coconut water after her tough workout. That was neat.

Dixon: You weren’t even there when that happened.

Teddy: Yeah, I was hitting tennis balls off the roof of West Bev with my girl Silver. But it was still neat….

Cut to Annie at the hospital with Jasper

Annie: How do you keep getting up to the top of the Hollywood sign?

Jasper: My edgy hairstyle gets me places other people can’t go.

Annie: Oh…well, don’t tell people I ran over your uncle…and I don’t love you…and feel better, K?

Jasper: OK.

[END SCENE]

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1 Response to “Sweaty Palms and Weak Knees…and High School Band Vocalists With Apparent Stage Fright”


  1. 1 Kathleen April 7, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    I’m in love with this. Do you think Ivy’s mom works for Serge Menken? Do you think Dixon’s bookie will be Duke? Do you think Jasper will go to the same mental hospital as Emily Valentine did, and Annie will later meet him in San Francisco when they’re both in college? Do you think anyone will finally reference Gil Myers and Sue Scanlon when this Naomi “False Allegations Against a Blaze Advisor Who Attended An Ivy League School” is in the open?


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