Posts Tagged 'Annie Wilson Smells'

Smells Like Desperation and Hawaiian Tropic

Summer has dawned warm and bright in West Beverly.  What kinds of hijinks are our favorite high schoolers up to?

Ethan is maintaining his affable, good-boy charm.
Naomi is perfecting her nostril flares every day with a personal trainer.
Liam is working on his Zoolander-esque brooding pout (Blue Steel, anyone?)
Silver is not eating; studying her catechism and writing in her mood journal.

And what about Miz Wilson?  For our Annie, summer only means one thing, for what does this little minx enjoy more than ill-colored lipstick, Jessica Simpson Hair ‘Do Extensions and Dr. Pepper?  Well, not much really, but ranking above all is a trip to the water park.

As such, Annie has spent her summer touring the greatest American water parks.  The pinnacle of all such aquatic amusements?  The hallowed Schlitterbahn.  After spending several hours braving the heights of many slides and rides, the fearless Wilson decides it’s time to take a well-deserved break in the wave pool.

As she settles herself in for a relaxing dip in the 9021H20, Annie feels a slight tugging sensation.  Startled, she makes a spastic (and overacted) spin, which only makes the pulling more pronounced.  Horrified she watches as her $9 weave becomes more and more tangled in the wave pool’s jets.  Unable to disengage herself from the angry jet, she helplessly (and hopelessly) signals for a lifeguard.

Unfortunately, help arrives too late for our young ingenue.  In her honor, Schlitterbahn renames their lamest attraction “Annie Wilson’s Locker.”  God rest her poorly accessorized soul.

Off the Rails…and Into the Clink (Episode 18)

[Scene 35]

After receiving a distressed call from a fellow traingoing passenger, Dixon, Harry and Debbie hastily arrive at  Union Station in search of soon-to-be-diagnosed bi-polar Silver. As they head out to the platform, they see Silver walking out onto the tracks as a train approaches.

Dixon: Silver! Get off the tracks! There is a train coming! Listen. I know what is going on with you. You are bi-polar. I know this because I saw a PBS documentary about Freud, who really did more work with the id and the ego and psychoanalysis than he did with depression, but in the middle of the episode there was a commercial about a new clinical drug that might cause leakage but could potentially help treat eczema and bi-polar disorder. Plus, my birth mom had it, and next episode, I am thinking of rounding up Annie for a road trip to Arizona to find her. I mean, if I can muster up the courage to talk to her. I mean, it’s been a long time since she left me, and I am only now realizing that what you have is what she had, so I need to give her another chance. I mean, plus, it’s a good opportunity to stock up the car with some ice-cold Dr. Pepper and…

Harry (interrupting): Um, Dixon, wasn’t the whole point of your frantic yelling to warn Silver to get off the tracks because the train was coming? How it hasn’t hit her yet is astounding to me…

Just then, the train whizzes by, barely missing Silver. As the Wilson’s breathe a sigh of relief, they notice that Annie is down on the tracks, retrieving what appears to be a penny…

Harry: Annie, what in god’s name did you put on the train tracks?

Annie: A penny, dad. Remember when we used to go to that old museum back in Kansas and we all used to put coins on the track and then the train would come by and flatten them? I thought that was so cool, but you always told me that I was too young to put the coins on the track myself. Well, I am 16 now, so I am old enough to do it myself.

Harry: But we used fake coins in Kansas. Is that a real penny?

Annie: Yes

Dixon: Dad, isn’t defacing money a federal offense?

Harry: Yes,  Dixon, it is. Your knowledge of U.S. Law proves to me that you have really been paying attention in school. I should increase your allowance so you can stop working at the Peach Pit and making sex tapes with Silver. But back to you Annie. I can’t in good conscience not report this to the authorities. It’s time that you learn the harsh realities of being an adult, and that means facing the consequences of your actions.

Debbie: But Harry, Annie isn’t legally an adult.

Harry: She is legally closer to being an adult than you are to legally being her mother…

Debbie: Wait, what?

Harry: Don’t worry about it. We will bring Navid in next episode to somehow have it make sense. In the meantime, let’s get Annie down to the Beverly Hills P.D. for booking…

The Wilson’s drop Annie off at the precinct where they are unable to provide proof of her US Citizenship. She is then extradited to Canada (where we assume, based on ignorance of Canadian law, that 16 year olds are considered legal adults, thus helping our scenario), where she is given a life sentence for lying under oath (lying is bad in Canada…again, this is an assumption). Allegedly, she retold Rhonda’s story about being made fun of at her last school again, and Ethan, being a native Canadian, was called upon as a surprise witness to expose her lie.

Welcome to Annie Wilson Smells

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