Holiday Madness…including, but not limited to, Winter Solstice

[START SCENE]

Naomi and Ivy leave home room and head towards the northwest staircase of West Beverly High School

Naomi: I am glad that we are finally hanging out Ivy.

Ivy: I am too Neye-omi…

Naomi: However, I am thinking about risking this friendship by going on a date with your arch-nemesis Oscar…wait, how do you pronounce my name?

Ivy: Just like you do. Neye-omi.

Naomi: Neye-omi?

Ivy: Yes. Neye-omi…rhymes with ‘high oh me’

Naomi: It’s pronounced Nay-omi. Rhymes with ‘May oh me’. Has nobody else noticed this? If we are going to continue on with this forced “us being best buds” storyline, I think we need to get our pronunciations sorted out.

Ivy: Oh, ok. Gnarly. It’s a surf term. The ‘g’ is silent.

Naomi: I just meant pronunciations of our names. Like, for example, I can’t pronounce Adrianna Tate-Duncan’s name, so I shortened it to Ade, and soon everyone followed suit. You are obviously struggling making the horse sound of “Nay”, so perhaps you can just call me something else. My character’s name on Nip/Tuck was Eden. Can you pronounce “Eden?” It’s got the long-E sound.

Ivy: E-den. I think I got it.

Naomi/Eden: Gnarly. Let’s head over to Adrianna’s ice skating party.

A very exclusive holiday-themed party hosted by pop star of the moment Adrianna “Ade” Tate-Duncan at her newly rented, affordably priced mansion

Navid (to Silver): I know this seems fast, and I know we work together on the Blaze, but I think I like you Silver. Even though you keep shortening your hair, and even though I can’t figure out what that tattoo is on the back of your neck or whether what your are wearing is a skirt of shorts of some sort, and even though you seemed to have abandoned your blog, and even though I have been through it all with Ade the past few years, with the drug addiction, and the pregnancy, and the rehab, and her stage fright, and  her relapse, and us almost getting married and her dabble with ratings-based lesbianism and her backstory with Teddy, who you are going to find out is gay FYI, and I know that you are best friends with Ade, so this really complicates things, but I really think…

Silver: Can I interrupt really quick?

Navid: I think you just proved that you can.

Silver: OK. Well listen, I know that you often disappear from the show for episodes at a time, and I know you like to recap all the things that have happened with Ade…

Navid: It’s kind of my thing.

Silver: Yeah, I know. Anyway…the bottom line is, Ade and I are friends. And girl friends don’t cross that line. I mean, what would happen if someone like Annie caused a rift in Naomi’s relationship with Ethan?

Navid: Who?

Silver: Ethan, you remember him? From season one? He went off to a far away land called “lacrosse camp” after he tried to break up Dixon and me. But you remember how Annie started putting the moves on him when he was still with Naomi?

Navid: Well, only until he hit Rhonda with his car, and then he saw Annie telling Rhonda’s horrible story of high school torment and bullying at acting class…which, FYI, is kind of a hot topic in the celeb world these days. Bullying. So I think the writers were kind of ahead of there time with that one.

Silver: Navid, you know that nothing that happened in season 1 actually happened.

Navid: So David Silver isn’t managing a successful rap act in Japan?

Silver: No that part is legit. I mean, you can’t make that up. But back to my original point. Ade and I are friends, and there isn’t enough room at this school, or in these commercial filled episodes for that matter, to have a love triangle storyline again. Even IF you accept me for my bad haircut…

Navid: Don’t forget about that terrible outfit as well. But what about the love triangle with Liam, Naomi and Jen?

Silver: Well, OK I will give you that one, but that was a one time thing.

Navid: Was it Silver? What about Liam, Naomi and Annie? Or Harry, excuse me, former Principal Wilson, Kelly Taylor and Mrs. Wilson? Or Principal Wilson, Mrs. Wilson and the Yoga instructor guy who enjoys coconut water? Who, by the way, also interfered with Donna’s relationship with David.

Silver: Different show…that doesn’t count.

Navid: Well, what about…

We cut to Teddy and Ian on the grand staircase, a fairly public spot mind you at a pretty large party, having a private moment

Teddy: So I am pretty sure that I am gay now…I just don’t want anyone to find out so let’s try and keep this under wraps.

Ian: But we are on the stairs at a pretty big party.

Teddy: Eh, people have their own stuff going on, so they probably won’t notice. I mean, I overhead some people wondering how you keep getting into all these events, seeing as though nobody knew who you were up until a few episodes ago, and the cool crowd really only consists of me, Silver, Dixon, Annie, Naomi, Ade, sometimes Navid, occasionally Debbie and Mr. Matthews…and I guess Ivy now too. I can’t lie Ian…they make a valid point.

Ian: But I choreographed that dance number, and hosted the Undies. Plus, I am helping you come to grips with the changes in your life.

Teddy: Oh, you mean like how I can’t play tennis anymore? Dixon already brought that up.

Ian: Yeah, that’s it. Oh, and you coming to grips with being gay and whatnot. FYI, Dixon is right around the corner.

Teddy: Oh, really? Well he still owes me a few bucks, so hopefully he won’t say anything about what he sees here. He has a sports gambling problem…did you know that? He learned it from his birth mom.

We cut back to Navid and Silver…

Navid: Or what about Ade, Teddy and myself? or Teddy, You and Teddy’s surpressed feelings for Ian?

Silver: Only our resident hip hop enthusiast Dixon knows about that right now. You are getting ahead of yourself.

Navid: Oh, that’s right. Like I said, I just like to recap things. I have a hard time remembering if they have happened yet or not. What about Liam, Annie and Jasper? That happened already, right?

Silver: Well, Jasper is gone.

Navid: Where did he go? He set Liam’s boat on fire for crying out loud.

Silver: Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that.

Navid: Well, whatever happened to him?

Silver: Oh, there were repercussions. Trust me.

Navid: Such as? They never addressed it. He just kind of…disappeared.

Silver: Just know that stuff happened to him, and there was some closure. We won’t be seeing him again.

Navid: Maybe he is at lacrosse camp with Ethan?

Silver: With who?

Navid: Ethan. From season one. We already covered that at the beginning of this. You actually told me who he was.

Silver: Oh yeah, that’s right. Yeah, maybe he is there. My guess is that while Annie was under 3 months of “hard time” house arrest for killing that homeless guy, she and Jasper had a heart-to-heart talk, and all was forgiven.

Navid: But he torched Liam’s boat, not Annie’s. And what about what is going on with Annie, Liam and Charlie, the playwright who is the next incarnation of Tarantino?

Silver: That is playing out right now. In fact, as we speak, Liam might be dropping the big “L” word on Annie. I really hope they make it work. They are so cute together. I just don’t understand this whole Charlie and Liam being brothers from a different mother storyline. Or is it brothers from a different father? Have they clarified that yet?

Navid: Negative.

Silver: Oh, ok. You know what else is kind of weird? Nobody seemed to notice that Liam has scars on his back when he was doing shirtless modeling. That was only uncovered, pun intended FYI, when the back of his shirt lifted up a bit at that girl’s house. Kind of odd, don’t you think?

Navid: Yes, I would say that is a touch odd Silver.

[Cut to Dixon, reacting to what he just saw take place between Teddy and Ian]

Dixon: I can’t believe what I just saw take place between Teddy and Ian. This is going to affect how I view my friendship with Teddy.  I might have a hard time coming to grips with this, but I think that eventually, through some deep soul searching, I will be OK.

Ivy (walking into the room): Hey Dixon, I just patched things up with my mom over a spirited Winter Solstice celebration that involved a pinata, and Neye-omi and I were thinking of…

Naomi: Dammit Ivy! We just worked on this. Either learn to pronounce it correctly or call me “Eden”…

Ivy: Gnarly. FYI…It’s a surf term, Dixon.

Dixon: I like to DJ.

[END SCENE]

Sweaty Palms and Weak Knees…and High School Band Vocalists With Apparent Stage Fright

[Scene 17, Take 47]
Night has fallen on the Hills of Beverly, and West Beverly’s very own “The Glorious Steinems” are about to take the stage at what appears to be the Beverly Hills Beach Club for the most anticipated performance of the season. Lead vocalist Adrianna “Ade” Tate Duncan is having mixed emotions about taking the stage.

Adrianna: You guys, I just can’t take the stage tonight. By not coming to grips with my complicated and “scriptually-forced for ratings” lesbian feelings for Rumer Willis, I have realized that I now have stage fright.  The Glorious Steinems, the most iconic high school band to hold band practice in the cafeteria of West Beverly High, will have to go on without me.

Bass Player (who happens to be Navid’s new love interest, referred to from now on as BP): Wait…I thought you have been acting since you were like 2? You are just now realizing you have stage fright?

Ade: Well, I am more of a TV/Film/Commercial actress really…you know, in front of the camera and all. It’s different.

BP: But what about when you auditioned for the same play as Annie and she tried to steal your part because she is a “great actress” and you were battling your inner demons of substance abuse and whatnot? That was stage acting, wasn’t it?

Ade: Number 1 – were you even around for that episode? No. In fact, nobody was because last season was really really bad. In comparison, this season started off with so much promise, but has really started to screw the pooch since we came back from hiatus. But that is neither here nor there. Number 2 – how come nobody in this band can even fake playing their instruments with any level of skill?

BP: What does that have to do with your stage fright?

Ade: I really wish Navid was in this episode because he is really good at summarizing all the things that have happened to me over the course of the season…you know, the drug abuse, the pregnancy, giving my baby up for adoption, having a hallucinogenic dream where Brenda Walsh is involved in some sort of Kabuki theater performance with a dragon, growing out my bangs, leaving Navid for Teddy and even now, where I am having closeted feelings for Rumer Willis…

BP: So are we going on stage or not?

Ade: Well, yeah, I guess so…I mean, how else is Ivy’s mom going to offer me a record contract based on one show which I am sure will cause friction with the band?

Cut to Teddy and Dixon at the Beach Club bar grabbing drinks

Dixon (to bartender): Thanks for the drink [Note: It is assumed to be the 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper]. Put it on my friend Teddy’s tab…

Teddy: Wait, what? Why can’t you pay for your own drink, Dixon?

Dixon: Because I am not a member of the club.

Teddy: Oh yeah, right…I forgot. Remember on the original Beverly Hills 90210, when you had to be a paying member of the prestigious Beverly Hills Beach Club to use its facilities? Those were the days.

Dixon: No, I don’t remember that…we didn’t have a TV. My birth mom just used to make us eat a lot of tacos and then she taught us the magic of betting on pro sports instead of reading us bedtime stories.

Teddy: Oh, that’s kinda sad. At one point the old gang snuck into the Beach Club after hours for a high-stakes, late-night poker game, and then someone robbed the club, and they blamed it on Dylan. But then they soon learned a valuable lesson about being quick to judge people without getting all the facts. Hey, whatever happened to Silver’s blog? You remember how that used to be her thing? Writing scathing editorials about people on her blog…

Dixon: Teddy, you sure do like to try and remember a lot of stuff. It’s really best to live one episode at a time.

Teddy: Maybe you are right…but, do you remember when your mom’s yoga instructor asked if she wanted a coconut water after her tough workout. That was neat.

Dixon: You weren’t even there when that happened.

Teddy: Yeah, I was hitting tennis balls off the roof of West Bev with my girl Silver. But it was still neat….

Cut to Annie at the hospital with Jasper

Annie: How do you keep getting up to the top of the Hollywood sign?

Jasper: My edgy hairstyle gets me places other people can’t go.

Annie: Oh…well, don’t tell people I ran over your uncle…and I don’t love you…and feel better, K?

Jasper: OK.

[END SCENE]

Smells Like Desperation and Hawaiian Tropic

Summer has dawned warm and bright in West Beverly.  What kinds of hijinks are our favorite high schoolers up to?

Ethan is maintaining his affable, good-boy charm.
Naomi is perfecting her nostril flares every day with a personal trainer.
Liam is working on his Zoolander-esque brooding pout (Blue Steel, anyone?)
Silver is not eating; studying her catechism and writing in her mood journal.

And what about Miz Wilson?  For our Annie, summer only means one thing, for what does this little minx enjoy more than ill-colored lipstick, Jessica Simpson Hair ‘Do Extensions and Dr. Pepper?  Well, not much really, but ranking above all is a trip to the water park.

As such, Annie has spent her summer touring the greatest American water parks.  The pinnacle of all such aquatic amusements?  The hallowed Schlitterbahn.  After spending several hours braving the heights of many slides and rides, the fearless Wilson decides it’s time to take a well-deserved break in the wave pool.

As she settles herself in for a relaxing dip in the 9021H20, Annie feels a slight tugging sensation.  Startled, she makes a spastic (and overacted) spin, which only makes the pulling more pronounced.  Horrified she watches as her $9 weave becomes more and more tangled in the wave pool’s jets.  Unable to disengage herself from the angry jet, she helplessly (and hopelessly) signals for a lifeguard.

Unfortunately, help arrives too late for our young ingenue.  In her honor, Schlitterbahn renames their lamest attraction “Annie Wilson’s Locker.”  God rest her poorly accessorized soul.

Off the Rails…and Into the Clink (Episode 18)

[Scene 35]

After receiving a distressed call from a fellow traingoing passenger, Dixon, Harry and Debbie hastily arrive at  Union Station in search of soon-to-be-diagnosed bi-polar Silver. As they head out to the platform, they see Silver walking out onto the tracks as a train approaches.

Dixon: Silver! Get off the tracks! There is a train coming! Listen. I know what is going on with you. You are bi-polar. I know this because I saw a PBS documentary about Freud, who really did more work with the id and the ego and psychoanalysis than he did with depression, but in the middle of the episode there was a commercial about a new clinical drug that might cause leakage but could potentially help treat eczema and bi-polar disorder. Plus, my birth mom had it, and next episode, I am thinking of rounding up Annie for a road trip to Arizona to find her. I mean, if I can muster up the courage to talk to her. I mean, it’s been a long time since she left me, and I am only now realizing that what you have is what she had, so I need to give her another chance. I mean, plus, it’s a good opportunity to stock up the car with some ice-cold Dr. Pepper and…

Harry (interrupting): Um, Dixon, wasn’t the whole point of your frantic yelling to warn Silver to get off the tracks because the train was coming? How it hasn’t hit her yet is astounding to me…

Just then, the train whizzes by, barely missing Silver. As the Wilson’s breathe a sigh of relief, they notice that Annie is down on the tracks, retrieving what appears to be a penny…

Harry: Annie, what in god’s name did you put on the train tracks?

Annie: A penny, dad. Remember when we used to go to that old museum back in Kansas and we all used to put coins on the track and then the train would come by and flatten them? I thought that was so cool, but you always told me that I was too young to put the coins on the track myself. Well, I am 16 now, so I am old enough to do it myself.

Harry: But we used fake coins in Kansas. Is that a real penny?

Annie: Yes

Dixon: Dad, isn’t defacing money a federal offense?

Harry: Yes,  Dixon, it is. Your knowledge of U.S. Law proves to me that you have really been paying attention in school. I should increase your allowance so you can stop working at the Peach Pit and making sex tapes with Silver. But back to you Annie. I can’t in good conscience not report this to the authorities. It’s time that you learn the harsh realities of being an adult, and that means facing the consequences of your actions.

Debbie: But Harry, Annie isn’t legally an adult.

Harry: She is legally closer to being an adult than you are to legally being her mother…

Debbie: Wait, what?

Harry: Don’t worry about it. We will bring Navid in next episode to somehow have it make sense. In the meantime, let’s get Annie down to the Beverly Hills P.D. for booking…

The Wilson’s drop Annie off at the precinct where they are unable to provide proof of her US Citizenship. She is then extradited to Canada (where we assume, based on ignorance of Canadian law, that 16 year olds are considered legal adults, thus helping our scenario), where she is given a life sentence for lying under oath (lying is bad in Canada…again, this is an assumption). Allegedly, she retold Rhonda’s story about being made fun of at her last school again, and Ethan, being a native Canadian, was called upon as a surprise witness to expose her lie.

We’re Not in Kansas Anymore…atleast 75% of us aren’t (Pilot Episode)

[BACKGROUND]

The Wilson’s are a happy-go-lucky midwestern family from the great state of Kansas who are making the exciting move out to the glitz and glamour of Beverly Hills. Former West Beverly High alum Harrison “Harry” Wilson has just been offered a job as principal at his alma matter due to the recent vacancy of the position (allegedly due to some improprieties conducted between former Vice Principal Yvonne Teasley and AP English teacher Gil Myers, who never learned from his scandal with Sue Scanlan), as well as his impressive work on prime-time dramas such as Silk Stalkings and Melrose Place. The Wilson family also consists of wife Debbie (an aspiring amateur photographer with a love for all things “John Stamos”), daughter Annie (a name which I believe loosely translates to “I hate freedom” in Latin), and adopted son Dixon, who, amongst other things, really loves his Dr. Pepper™ on long road trips. We join the family mid-conversation as they have just crossed the Beverly Hills city line, heading northwest on Wilshire Blvd…

[SCENE]

Debbie: So are you kids excited about moving to Beverly Hills and starting over at a new school with such a rich historical tapestry?

Dixon: You bet I am mom. But I tell you what, I sure am parched, and we all know that no road trip is complete without an ice-cold Dr. Pepper.  Hey, Annie, pass me a can filled with 23 delicious flavors living in harmony so that I can partake in a taste.

[Silence]

Debbie: Annie, I think Dixon is still waiting for his drink.

[Silence]

Harry: Annie, for the love of God, give Dixon a Dr. Pepper. Don’t you know that I was Sgt. Chris Lorenzo on Silk Stalkings??

[Silence]

Dixon: Hey dad, I think we forgot Annie in Kansas.

Harry: “Forgot?” That’s an odd choice of words Dixon.

Harry gives the camera a sly wink, and we fade into the hip new opening credits

[END SCENE]

The Lion, The Annie & The Wardrobe

Nobody or thing has mastered product placement quite like 90210 and Dr. Pepper.  Why be subtle (a la Project Runway) when you can beat your viewers over the head?  I can understand, and even on some level, appreciate, the flagrant use of the 23-flavored refreshing soda, but can we please make it believable?  Everyone knows that Annie and Silver would never be caught dead with their lips perched atop a regular Doctor Pepper.  No, no, they would select the newest Pepper product – Diet Dr. Pepper with a kiss of cherry.  Only the newest and trendiest for our West Beverly friends.

This morning my inbox was tickled to receive an article from my cohort detailing the discovery of Dr. Pepper’s original recipe.  Thus led us to a discussion of what the future holds for our beloved Annie Wilson…  the below plotline hinges vitally on the return of Tabitha (the bewitching Jessica Walters).

EPISODE TITLE: Narnia2010

Annie and Tabitha spend some crucial grandmother-grandnuisance bonding time antiquing following Tabby’s triumphant return from China (oops, that’s the masterful actress Tori Spelling’s plot) Broadway.  The duo discover a magical wardrobe full of delights.  Annie decides to squeeze her waiflike body (and disgrossting extensions) into the armoire to unearth more treasures.  She finds the ancient recipe book, which she hands to Tabitha for safekeeping.  She continues to travel further and further into the wardrobe, but unlike the Lion & Witch variety, instead of ending in the enchanting land of Narnia, this wardrobe ends in a cliff, which Annie sadly falls off of.  Distraught, Tabitha seeks solace in some magical herbs and uses the Dr. Pepper recipe for rolling papers.

END SCENE

Welcome to Annie Wilson Smells

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